“When I die, do not say Eshet Hayil at my funeral!”

My friend’s mother would regularly say this to her children over the years. Rachel, who was born during World War I, was somewhat unusual for her generation. Many women her age lived the familiar role of mother and housewife, sometimes volunteering for worthy causes but not pursuing an independent career. Rachel was the exception. She had an active professional life and therefore resented what she perceived as the message of the poem Eshet Hayil -- A Woman of Valor -- which she often heard read at funerals for older family friends.

This poem is best known as one of the traditional blessings said before the Shabbat evening meal.  After the candles are lit and before the kiddish and motzie, the family members turn to one another.  Parents bless their children, then the husband offers this blessing to his wife:  “A woman of valor, who can find?  Far beyond rubies is her value.  Her husband’s heart relies on her and he shall lack no fortune.  She does him good and not evil all the days of her life….”

The source of Eshet Hayil is the Book of Proverbs, chapter 31.  This poem praises the industrious housewife (“She rises while it is still night and gives food to her household…She sets her hands to the distaff, her fingers hold the spindle…”) -- and surely in the days when men’s and women’s work was clearly differentiated, this did indeed describe the perfect wife.

But times have changed and options available to women have changed as well.  Rachel objected to Eshet Hayil--and didn’t want it to be a summary of her life--because she associated the poem with a confining role for women, a role from which she had broken away.

Although I am a different generation, I had many of the same feelings as Rachel’s toward this poem.  That is, until I met my husband eight years ago.  As we began building a Jewish home together we decided to embrace the traditions for the Shabbat evening meal, including Eshet Hayil.  Much to my surprise, I discovered that I liked hearing him sing my praises every Friday night!  Not that the poem describes me or my activities (I don’t even own a distaff), but much of it can be read more symbolically, or simply heard as love and appreciation beyond the plain meaning of the words.

Eshet Hayil was also redeemed for me by a blessing that contemporary Judaism proposes the wife say to her husband.  It, too, is from the Hebrew scriptures--Psalm 112--and I have adopted the practice of reading this to him. 

The new Reform siddur, Mishkan T’filah, includes abridged versions of these blessings (page 602).  The editors selected the verses that speak most meaningfully to contemporary liberal Jews, for example:

“A woman of valor, seek her out…She opens her hand to those in need and extends her help to the poor.  Adorned with strength and dignity, she faces the future cheerfully…Honor her for all of her offerings; her life proclaims her praise.”

Here are some lines from the beautiful blessing of Psalm 112:

“Blessed is the man who reveres Adonai, who greatly delights in God’s commandments…His heart is steady, he will not be afraid….his righteousness endures forever, his life is exalted in honor.”

We don’t always live up to these high standards and some of us live in untraditional family settings, but with creative use of these two blessings we can be reminded each Shabbat evening of all the ways we appreciate our loved ones, and of the highest Jewish ideals that we value in ourselves and in them.

Perhaps even Rachel will come to see that she, too, is truly a woman of valor.